"Identity Crisis"

ACT ONe FADE IN: INT. ACME LABS - CAGE - DAY PINKY sits at one end of the Cage. In the F.G., at the opposite end, near the ENTRANCE, BRAIN stands before a huge DIAGRAM BOARD, writing equations at a furious pace. Pinky has just discovered his navel, and pokes his index finger in and out of it, absorbed. After a pause, he looks at Brain, giddy. PINKY Brain! Brain! Look! Brain, almost knowing what's coming, turns and glances at him. PINKY (cont.) (sticks finger in belly button) It's gone, then... (pulls it out) it's back! (puts it in) Gone! (pulls it out) Back! (puts it in) Gone! (pulls it out) Back! (bends finger at him - ASSUMES ROLE of Finger) "Hiya, Brain! How're doin'?" He gives a quick MACHINE GUN-LIKE laugh, then SNORTS a "Narf!" BRAIN (sarcastic) Pinky, your gift for self-amusement never ceases to amaze me. (turns to the board) Now, come here. Pinky enter the FRAME, looking at his belly button. Sensing his presence, Brain glances at him, then turns back to the board. BRAIN (cont.) You'll notice that I have -- PINKY Uh, what is this, Brain? Brain turns to him and notices Pinky's new best friend. BRAIN What you have stumbled upon, Pinky, is your umbilicus, more commonly referred to as a "belly button," the distinguishing characteristic of mammals. PINKY (JUMPING - excited) Oh, goody! I'm a mammal! I'm a mammal! (stops - pained) What's a mammal? BRAIN "Mammal" is the categorical term used to encompass any member of the high-vertebrate class, Mammalia, characterized by body hair, live birth, and the nursing of young. For example, birds, fish, and turtles lay eggs, have no body hair, and the mothers do not nurse their young -- PINKY (picking up the thought) And they don't have belly buttons, so...they're not mammals, right, Brain? BRAIN Correct, Pinky! But dolphins, whales, rodents -- PINKY What's a rodent? BRAIN An order of mammals, Rodentia, identifiable by a pair of protruding front teeth called incisors which are used to gnaw on food, such as your beloved cheese doodles. PINKY Oh, I do love cheese doodles, I do, I do, I do! After another high-pitched laugh followed by a "Zort!," he's suddenly struck by a thought, and tentatively feels his protruding teeth. After a long beat, he puts the hand down. PINKY (cont.) Are you saying that I'm a rodent? BRAIN That's exactly what I'm saying. PINKY But, but -- you just said I'm a mammal. BRAIN That's correct. PINKY (suddenly upset) But, but I thought I was a mouse. BRAIN You are a mouse. We both are. PINKY (now really upset) But, but -- first you said I'm a mammal! Then, you said I'm a rodent! And, and, now you're saying we're still mice?! BRAIN We're all three: we're mammals and we're rodents and we're mice! (beat) I would explain it to you, but then we'd be here all night and, thus, be unable to execute the ingenious scheme I have devised to take over the world, so you're just going to have to take my word for it. (beat) Now, what is the one thing humans simply cannot live without? PINKY Glow-in-the-dark turkey basters? BRAIN No, Pinky, ice cream! (turns to board) The world's largest ice cream company is located exactly three miles away from the Lab. Tonight, we shall go there and sabotage their equipment so they can't produce any more ice cream, forcing them out of business. This will cause a full-scale riot among the people. Then, we shall return to the now-defunct factory, repair the equipment, and make our own ice cream. Every man, woman, and child will buy up every pint we produce, thereby, enabling us to take over the world! PINKY We're gonna be like Ben and Jerry, huh, Brain?! Narf! BRAIN When we're finished, Pinky, Ben and Jerry will wish they were like us! (throws loaded BACKPACK at him) Come! We have no time to waste! Pinky puts on his backpack. Brain puts on his. They LEAVE. EXT. STREET - SIDEWALK - NIGHT PINKY and BRAIN walk. Pinky gnaws on a cheese doodle. PINKY Does Al Gore have a belly button, Brain? BRAIN Yes, Pinky. PINKY How about Sam Donaldson? BRAIN Yes, Pinky. PINKY Howard Stern? Suddenly, Brain BOPS him over the head with his fist. Finally getting the message, Pinky heaves a SIGH; he continues eating the doodle. Pause. They're now walking past a HARDWARE/ELECTRONICS STORE, about to close. In the FRONT WINDOW, the TV is ON. PINKY (O.S.) Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight? BRAIN BRAIN (O.S.) What do you mean "what do The same thing we do every I want to do tonight?" night, Pinky -- try to take over the world! Pinky turns to him. The "Pinky and the Brain" THEME now PLAYS O.S. PINKY (after a pause) Did you say something, Brain? BRAIN No, I thought you said something. PINKY I didn't say anything. They stop and stand, now hearing the O.S. MUSIC. Long beat. BRAIN Well, if you didn't say anything... then...where are those voices coming from? They look around. Pause. Finally, Pinky looks up and sees the TV. He gives a SCREECH as his body CONTORTS in a SPASM of horror. Brain, reacting, looks at him, then follows his gaze to the TV; his face immediately registers shock. ON THE TV, THE SHOW'S INTRO is well under way. A SERIES OF SHOTS CUT BETWEEN THE INTRO AND PINKY AND BRAIN WATCHING, their eyes bugging out, their mouths agape. CHORUS (sings) They're Pinky and the Brain / Yes, Pinky and the Brain / Their twilight campaign / Is easy to explain / To prove their mousey worth / They'll overthrow the Earth / They're dinky / They're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain -- Narf! Pinky and Brain are stunned. They finally turn to each other. PINKY Brain...they're...they're...us! BRAIN (tries to maintain composure) They're not us, Pinky...they...look like us - they even act a little like us - but...they're not us. PINKY But...if they're not us...then, what are they? And...what are we? BRAIN We are mice, and rodents, and mammals. They, I think, are animated cartoons. PINKY Are animated cartoons mammals, Brain? BRAIN No, Pinky, animated cartoons are not mammals or rodents or mice. They are a series of drawings that - when projected onto a screen at twenty- four frames per second - give the illusion of being "alive." PINKY Do cartoons have belly buttons? BRAIN Unless the humans draw them in, then, no, they do not have belly buttons. They begin walking. Long beat. They're both still in shock. PINKY How do you know the humans made us, uh, them, Brain? BRAIN Because, Pinky, in spite of Al Gore, Sam Donaldson - and Howard Stern - humans are the most sophisticated and the most highly- evolved animals the world has ever known. PINKY Even more sophisticated and more highly-evolved than you, Brain? Brain almost blushes, as if he'd just been caught in a lie. BRAIN Well, no, Pinky. Ninety-nine point nine percent of them are a dumb as rocks -- which explains why Ross Perot is a viable presidential candidate every four years. (beat) No, I was referring to the one-one- tenth of humans who actually use their craniums for something other than extra storage space. Those are the only ones who posses the capability - and the unmitigated gall - to -- He stops walking, suddenly hit by a realization. Pinky stops. BRAIN (cont.) Pinky! Are you pondering what I'm pondering? PINKY Uh, I think so Brain. But, what if Richard Nixon really was the second gunman behind the Grassy Knoll? Brain strips the remainder of the cheese doodle from Pinky's hands, and SMACKS him upside the head with it, knocking the poor fellow off his feet and flat on his back. After a long beat, Pinky, dazed, sits up and now rubs his head. BRAIN Pinky?! Don't you see?! Through these crudely drawn renditions of ourselves, these humans are using us to try to take over the world! PINKY Egad, Brain! BRAIN We must learn the identities of these evil-doers, then we'll sue for copyright infringement! PINKY (staggers to his feet) Copyright infringement? BRAIN They're using our names and likenesses without our permission. Considering how much money is being made in television, we stand to get literally billions of dollars! Then, we won't have to beat our heads against the proverbial wall any longer trying to take over the world -- we'll be able to buy the world! PINKY Oh, brilliant, Brain! Brilliant! You are a genius! BRAIN (genuinely touched) Why, thank you, Pinky. (pause - galvanized) To the Lab! They RACE in the direction they came from, out of the FRAME. FADE OUT: END OF ACT ONE ----------------------------------------------------------------- ACT TWO FADE IN: EXT. ACME LABS - ROOF - NIGHT PINKY and BRAIN - having disposed of their gear - stand near a bunch of CABLE WIRES protruding from the ceiling below; they resemble a bushel of wheat. Brain holds a DEVICE which resembles a remote control. BRAIN According to my calculations, (points to TWO CABLES MARKED by RED STRIPES) these cables are connected to the video surveillance cameras in our room. They should lead us to the people who have monitored our every moment since we were first placed inside our cage, and - if I am correct - to the evil-doers responsible for this heinous act. (holds up the DEVICE) This device I've created shall keep us on course when the cables go underground or to another area where we can't readily follow. PINKY (CLAPS - giddy - sing-song) Oh, goody! We're going to follow the cables! We're going to follow the cables! Where do you think they'll go, Brain? BRAIN If I knew the answer to that, Pinky, then we wouldn't be standing here on the roof in the middle of the night, freezing our tails off, now, would we?! PINKY (shaking head - thinking) Well, uh, maybe you wouldn't, Brain, but I'd still go follow the cables. Anything to get out of washing those dishes! I do so hate having dish-panned hands! He gives a MACHINE GUN-LIKE laugh, then a "Narf!" Beat. Brain's FIST enters the FRAME above Pinky's head, then CONKS him one. BRAIN Come! Pinky tags behind as they follow the cable, leaving the FRAME. EXT. STREET - NIGHT PINKY and BRAIN follow the CABLES along a Building. INT. SEWER TUNNEL - NIGHT PINKY and BRAIN follow the CABLES along a narrow passage. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAWN Coming THIS CLOSE to becoming road kill by SPEEDING CARS, PINKY and BRAIN follow the CABLES under an OVERPASS, leading out of the City. EXT. RURAL ROAD - DAY The BEEPING of the Device allow PINKY and BRAIN to follow the cables now running above them along the TELEPHONE POLES. EXT. MOUNTAIN PASS - DUSK Despite the HOWLING WIND and SNOW FLURRIES WHIPPING around them like a blanket, PINKY and BRAIN are oblivious to everything except the BEEPING of the Device as they continue. EXT. DESERT - DAWN Despite VULTURES circling above, and FOXES behind the BUSHES in the B.G. eyeing them licking their chops, the BEEPING of the Device lead PINKY and BRAIN along an unmarked path, still oblivious to their surroundings. EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS - DAY The HOLLYWOOD SIGN in the B.G., the BEEPING of the Device has led PINKY and BRAIN to the Entertainment Capitol of the World. EXT. WARNER BROS. STUDIOS - LOT - DAY PINKY and BRAIN follow the BEEPING to a series of BUILDINGS. Pause. After walking past a state-of-the-art Animation Facility, they see the CABLE sticking out of the ground and against the wall of a shabby, one-story WOODEN HOUSE. EXT. WARNER BROS. STUDIO - LOT - WOODEN HOUSE - DAY BRAIN - the Device tethered around him as if it were a backpack - stands on top of PINKY's head, and tries to get a good look inside through a HOLE in the WALL. Long beat. A FLY enters the FRAME, BUZZING around Pinky. PINKY (to the FLY) Hello there, Mr. Fly! BRAIN Quiet, Pinky! Pause. The FLY now sits on Pinky's nose. He begins to laugh, then gives a WHOOP followed by a "Narf!" Brain looks down at him. BRAIN Pinky, stop it, or they'll hear us! PINKY Ooops! Sorry, Brain. (long beat - to Fly) If you show me your belly button, I'll show you mine! He giggles, followed by a "Troz!" BRAIN Flies are insects. They do not have belly buttons! PINKY (mournful) They don't? BRAIN (about to lose it) No, they don't! PINKY But...that's not fair, Brain. BRAIN Life is not fair, Pinky! (beat) Now, for the last time, be quiet, or I shall have to hurt you! Beat. Pinky now squirms under the burden of his load. Brain turns his head to one side and presses his face into the hole. INSERT: INT. WARNER BROS. STUDIOS - LOT - WOODEN HOUSE - DAY BRAIN's RIGHT EYE, peeking through the HOLE, is in the B.G.; it starts to bug out in horror as he watches: THREE FIGURES - their backs to him, and identities unclear - gather around a STORY BOARD, featuring a group of PENCIL ETCHINGS that distinctly resemble you-know-who. A FOURTH FIGURE sits before TWO TV/VCRs, each PLAYING a VIDEO TAPE of PINKY on the LEFT SCREEN and a VIDEO TAPE of BRAIN on the RIGHT SCREEN, while quaffing a bag of Pinky's beloved cheese doodles. The TAPE on the LEFT shows Pinky laying spread-eagle on a FUSE BOX, being ZAPPED by JOLTS of electricity - and WHOOPING it up with joy. The TAPE on the RIGHT shows Brain, wearing a pair of goggles and a lab coat, pouring liquids into two glass test tubes he's holding. The Figure has a remote control next to each TV, and - every few seconds - takes up the remote, points at one TV, stops the tape, rewinds it, then plays it again at normal speed. He/she puts the remote down, then writes furiously on a NOTEPAD. All Four alternate between TALKING and LAUGHING at our heroes. If none of this were bad enough, Brain spies something that hits him like an arrow through the heart: Next to a stack of TAPES near the left TV/VCR - displayed prominently - is a POSTER OF ROSS PEROT with the HEADING "PEROT '96." BACK TO SCENE Brain climbs off of Pinky, and stands. He's in a STATE of shock. BRAIN My life is over! PINKY Brain? BRAIN (almost a zombie) My visions of immortality...of global domination...it's over...all over! Pinky grabs him by the shoulders, SHAKING him. PINKY Brain! Brain! Get a hold of yourself! BRAIN (near hysterics) It's all gone, Man! Do you hear me?! Gone...gone! Left with no other choice, Pinky SMACKS Brain hard across the face. Brain tries to shake the cobwebs out of his head. Pause. PINKY Brain! Brain! Speak to me! BRAIN (recovering - after a pause) Oh, Pinky! It's even worse than I dared imagine! They've made video tapes of us in the Lab. (beginning to lose it again) And there's this person in this big chair, holding this big remote control, watching us on these big TVs, eating these big cheese doodles ...and...and...laughing. And, in the middle of the room, lording over it all, there's this big poster of Ross Perot! And he's...he's... smiling! Pinky SMACKS him again. Long beat. Brain recovers. BRAIN Thank you, Pinky. You are a true friend. PINKY (galvanized and incensed) Brain, we've got to get in there, and stop them! (looks at the building) We'll climb up the drain pipe, get in through the roof, and take them by surprise! INT. WARNER BROS. LOT - WOODEN HOUSE - DAY The FOUR FIGURES continue their dastardly deeds. Long pause. Suddenly - in SUPER SLOW MOTION - PINKY and BRAIN FALL THROUGH THE CEILING WINDOW, in a PARODY of the "Batman" movies, only the boys aren't nearly as good at making dramatic entrances as the Dynamic Duo: they're SCREAMING and FLAYING WILDLY as they FALL. IN NORMAL SPEED now, the FIGURES - who look an awful lot like STEVEN SPIELBERG, YAKKO, WAKKO, and DOT - each look up in reaction to the SOUND of the CRASHING GLASS. Pinky and Brain FALL to the FLOOR. Seeing them, Spielberg, Yakko, Wakko, and Dot SCREAM. Pinky and Brain look up. They SCREAM. FADE OUT: END OF ACT TWO ----------------------------------------------------------------- ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. COURTROOM - DAY A BAILIFF holds a paper before him. BAILIFF (READS) Case number N eight thirty-nine: Mr. Pinky and Mr. Brain, laboratory mice -- INSERT: PLAINTIFF TABLE - THAT MOMENT PINKY and BRAIN stand there. Pinky is JUMPING up and down. PINKY Mammals! Me and Brain are mammals! Narf! Zort! INSERT: JUDGE'S BENCH - THAT MOMENT A no-nonsense older WOMAN who looks an awful lot like JUDGE JUDY. JUDGE JUDY (to the Bailiff) You heard the young man. BACK TO SCENE The Bailiff has been looking at the now-O.S. Pinky in reaction. BAILIFF Uh, yes, Your Honor. (back to the paper) -- laboratory mammals, Plaintiffs, versus the Order of the Happy Scamping Nuns of Walla Walla, Washington; Steven Spielberg an individual; the Warner Brothers -- INSERT: GALLERY - THAT MOMENT THREE matronly-looking NUNS, STEVEN SPIELBERG, YAKKO, WAKKO, and DOT sit behind the Prosecutor and Defense tables, in that order. JUMPS UP. DOT And the Warner Sister, Dot! INSERT: JUDGE'S BENCH - THAT MOMENT JUDGE JUDY (to the Bailiff) You heard the young lady. BACK TO SCENE The Bailiff looks at the now-O.S. Judge. BAILIFF Yes, Your Honor. (returns to paper) -- and the Warner Sister, Dot, animated cartoons, Defendants. He hands the Brief to the Judge. She puts on her glasses, and reads it. JUDGE JUDY The Plaintiffs allege that Acme Laboratories Incorporated, a wholly owned subsidiary of Defendant, the Order of the Happy Scamping Nuns, allowed co-Defendants, Steven Spielberg, the Warner Brothers -- INSERT: GALLERY - THAT MOMENT Dot JUMPS UP again. DOT And the Warner Sister, Dot! INSERT: JUDGE'S BENCH - THAT MOMENT JUDGE JUDY (nods to her) -- and the Warner Sister, Dot, to produce video taped recordings of the Plaintiffs' monitored daily activities for the purpose of using their names and likenesses as the sole basis the animated cartoon program "Steven Spielberg Presents Pinky and The Brain" without either the knowledge or the consent of the Plaintiffs, in violation of United States Code Title Seventeen, Section one-oh-six, regarding ownership of pre-existing material, that being the personages of the Plaintiffs. BRAIN (smugly confident) That is correct, Your Honor. JUDGE JUDY Further, the Plaintiffs allege that the Defendants have profited substantially, both directly and indirectly, from the animated cartoon program "Steven Spielberg Presents Pinky and The Brain," and, in being the sole basis of the aforementioned program, they are entitled to a percentage of past, present, and future earnings generated by the aforementioned program, as well as from selected episodes of the animated cartoon program "Steven Spielberg Presents Animaniacs", via first-run broadcasts, re-runs, syndication, advertising, merchandising, cetera, commensurate with their being the sole basis of the aforementioned program. BRAIN (thinking he's got them) That is also correct, Your Honor. INSERT: GALLEY - THAT MOMENT It's now Spielberg's time to JUMP OUT of his seat. SPIELBERG But, that's literally billions of dollars! BACK TO SCENE Brain calmly turns to the now-O.S. Speilberg. BRAIN Well, you should've thought about that before you ripped-off our identities, Mr. Big Shot Movie Director! (beat) And, how can you have a poster of that nut job, Ross Perot? SPIELBERG But, Ross and I are good friends. BRAIN (shocked) Get out! PINKY Do you know Al Gore and Sam Donaldson? SPIELBERG Why, yes. BRAIN (shocked) Get out! PINKY Do you know Howard Stern? SPIELBERG No, but I know Oprah. PINKY (total disbelief) Get out! SPIELBERG I gave her her big break! BRAIN (really in disbelief) Get out! PINKY Does Oprah have a belly button? SPIELBERG I haven't seen it, but I'm sure she does. PINKY I've got a belly button! (sticks finger in it) See? Narf! Troz! Yakko, Wakko, and Dot JUMP OUT of their seats. YAKKO, WAKKO, and DOT Us, too! Yakko and Wakko pull down their pants, and Dot pulls down her skirt, past their bellies. INSERT: YAKKO'S, WAKKO'S, and DOT'S MID-SECTIONS - THAT MOMENT They display colorful BUTTONS where their navels would be which READ: "Official WB Belly Button!" BACK TO SCENE They follow-up with a CHORUS of "Narf"s, "Zort"s and "Troz"s. An enraged Brain grabs Pinky's snout, and is about to throttle him. JUDGE JUDY (O.S.) Not in my courtroom, Mr. Brain! Brain, caught red-handed, lets go of Pinky and gives her an embarrassed smile. The Judge, staring at Brain, puts her glasses back on, RUFFLES the petition, then looks at it. JUDGE JUDY Uh, Mr. Brain, this is a very well- written petition. You would have made an excellent attorney. BRAIN (blushes) Why, thank you, Your Honor. JUDGE JUDY Unfortunately, United States Code Title Seventeen, better known as the Copyright Law, applies only to the author of a work; a person cannot be the author of their physical being. And, the sub-section you cite, one-oh-six, does not apply here, since it protects the author of pre-existing material; you and Mr. Pinky are not the authors of "Steven Spielberg Presents Pinky and the Brain," Mr. Spielberg, the Warner Brothers -- (smiles at Dot) and the Warner Sister Dot, are. What you and Mr. Pinky obviously are, Mr. Brain, are the basis of that work. Now, if you were employees of Acme Laboratories, and Acme Laboratories had sold your names, likenesses and/or ideas to Mr. Spielberg, the Warner Brothers, and the Warner Sister Dot, then you and Mr. Pinky could sue Acme Laboratories, but not Mr. Spielberg the Warner Brothers, and the Warner Sister, Dot. But, you and Mr. Pinky are not employees of Acme Laboratories; you are the property of Acme Laboratories, and, as such, cannot bring suit against it. Therefore, I have no choice but to throw out your claim. (takes Gavel - BANGS DOWN once) Case dismissed! Spielberg, Yakko, Wakko, Dot, and the Nuns JUMP UP and ENGAGE in a seven-way HIGH-FIVE. ALL (IMITATING Brain) Yes! They recover. Beat. NUN #1 The World's Largest Ice Cream Company - a wholly owned subsidiary of the Order of the Happy Scamping Nuns - will be having a celebration to praise our glorious victory. We would be honored if you joined us. Spielberg turns to Yakko, Wakko, and Dot. SPIELBERG Well, kids, what are we waiting for? YAKKO The end of this cartoon. SPIELBERG But, we can leave now. He whips out a SCRIPT, already folded back, holds it out to them at arms' length, and points near the bottom of the page. SPIELBERG Says so in the script. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot lean forward to take a closer look. YAKKO (READS) "Spielberg: but, we can leave now." WAKKO (READS) "He whips out a script, already folded back, holds it out to them at arm's length, and points near the bottom of the page." DOT (READS) "Spielberg: says so in the script." They pull back, then look at each other. YAKKO That's as official as it gets! DOT Narf! WAKKO Zort! Happy, the Group now walk down the aisle, heading for the exit. Pinky and Brain are shocked, mortified. They turn back to the Judge, their mouths hanging. BRAIN But...but...but... Pinky lets out a WAIL. PINKY Nooooo! All the hardship, all the struggle, all the dish-panned hands -- for nothing! Not even a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich! The Judge looks at them sympathetically. She turns to the Bailiff. JUDGE JUDY Bailiff, get Mr. Pinky a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. BAILIFF Yes, Your Honor. He leaves. She turns back to them. Pinky wipes away tears. PINKY You're not just another heartless bureaucrat avowed to crushing dissent and preserving the Status Quo. You do care for us huddled masses, yearning to breath free. JUDGE JUDY (smiles at Pinky) Well, of course I do, Mr. Pinky. Pinky is served his fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. PINKY Bless you, kind Madame! Zort! He happily begins to devour it. JUDGE JUDY Mr. Brain, I'm sure you understand. As the law is written, my hands are tied; there's nothing I can do. BRAIN (suddenly riled) Well, there is something I can do, beginning tonight! JUDGE JUDY What are you going to do tonight? PINKY (mouth full) Yeah, Brain, what are you doing tonight? BRAIN The same thing we do every night, Pinky, (points skyward) try to take over the world! We PULL BACK as the CHORUS now kicks in. CHORUS (sings) They're dinky / They're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain! FADE OUT: THE END